(Un)Answered Prayers

Sometimes the reasons are not revealed to us until long after the prompting. I guess that is where life’s tests of faith come into play. Every now and then, we will be asked to act on something we may not fully understand; our reaction to those promptings reveal more about our faith and determine more of our future than all other forks in the road combined. It’s easy to trust in the Lord’s will when the cause and effect is laid out for us and all the dots are connected. How much easier is it to set out on a road when we know the terrain and know where we are heading? What about the road you have no map for? It would be too easy, but oh so very welcomed, for once, to just understand the why behind God’s plans. Oh how I would love to just get in that omniscient head of His and have a firm grip on my own life.

I have been faced with many decisions in my life and I thought I had the routine all figured out. Pray for what you think is right, identify the confirmation, and press forward. I skimmed through many of my teenage trials using this stop, drop, and roll method. I went through the motions and everything usually turned out alright. There was one crossroad a couple years ago, however, that had me totally stumped.

Fortunately, and unfortunately, I had no bad options. I knew I would be happy either way; but, in a sense, that made it harder. If you think choosing the lesser of two evils is a feat, I tempt you to try choosing the greater of two blessings. There is no greater guilt than having to turn down something you know you are truly blessed to have. I had to submit myself 100% to the Lord and rely on Him to reveal His plan for me. He knows me inside out and from beginning to end; I knew He would know what was best for me and best for my future.

I became wrapped up in my quest for clarity. I devoted every spare second, thought, and breath to the cause. It consumed every fiber of my being. The desire for an answer pulsed through my veins. I was a lady on a mission and my flag waved high with purpose. Yet, from the second it began, I was pushing subtle, consistent promptings from my mind. He started out calm and polite; whispering suggestions. It wasn't long until God’s patience had worn thin, however, and soon the answer was violently booming with resounding force in my mind. It was clear that the only person I was at war with was myself. I knew what the Lord wanted me to do; I had heard it in my mind and heart a million times. 

I had a rough draft outlined for my life and the promptings I was receiving from the Lord were going to require some massive editing to incorporate. I am not one to fix something that isn't broken and I just couldn't see what was wrong with my original plan. I had some serious hesitations (and fits, meltdowns, tears, and Ben & Jerry’s) as I contemplated rewriting life as I knew it to go out on a whim for the Lord. I dragged my feet as I waited for reasons and understanding to come along and follow-up the Lord’s obvious pushes and nudges. Nothing. No explanation. God?

Like I said, I had no bad options. It wasn't that I didn't want to do what He was hinting at. It was that I didn't have the reasons, closure, and understanding I needed to give me confidence in any direction. I was given an undeniable answer but with no additional information. I wanted to know why that was the better option. I wanted pros and cons laid out for me; an explanation; a play-by-play of my future and how much better it would be if I were to listen Him. I was expecting to be convinced. I felt as though God had -forgive the expression- just half-assed the answer to my prayer. I felt duped. Was He really so busy that He could only manage to give me half of the answer I deserved? I needed specifics.

In the coming months, somewhere beneath my pride I realized I was told all I needed to know. If my faith was strong enough, the prompting itself would be enough. In theory, I should be able to act on that alone. As much as I longed for reasons and understanding, the Lord wasn't ready to reveal that to me.  I had to act in blind faith and wait for the answers to unfold somewhere along the way. Someday I would know why and someday I would thank Him. I clung to that hope and took flight.

I am here writing this in guilt and gratitude because someday has come. I feel guilt and embarrassment to realize how frail my faith was and how quick I was to second-guess His plan. I am ashamed to say that I was at all hesitant to do the Lord’s will; especially now that I am receiving blessings far beyond what I ever could have imagined. I feel so undeserving. Despite my doubts, the Lord was quick to reward my obedience just as soon as He could. He held no grudges. I am so grateful to God for leading me to a life so full of happiness.

Answers didn't come right away and I’m sure there are many more that will reveal themselves as life takes its course. It took months of seeking peace, comfort, and reassurance before I started to understand why the Lord might have preferred this path for me. In the beginning, there were days of doubt and second-guessing. It was a slow and, at times, hard process waiting for reasons to reveal themselves; but eventually things started to make sense.

With each passing day, I am reminded of how lucky I am to be where I’m at. I am constantly finding something new to reassure the decision I made so long ago. The reasons I wanted blatantly explained to me in the beginning are making themselves known with each passing day. It’s like a bunch of mini presents to unwrap each day as I discover more and more to be happy about in life. I have so much to celebrate! I have feelings of confidence and bliss in regards to the path I have chosen.  Every now and then I address the what if’s, the path that could have been, and even then, I find more to celebrate. I see where I could have been and am so glad the Lord stepped in and rerouted me... Even if I didn't understand it in the moment. I know I’m where I’m supposed to be. I’m better off here than anywhere else in the world. I found happiness and compatibility to degrees that I never even comprehended. I am in a realm I never would have pursued without the persistence of my Savior’s promptings.

God withholds some reasons and understanding until after we have proven our faith. We must act on the prompting and show our trust in him before we have earned the right to more knowledge. Being obedient when we have all the answers proves nothing; it’s obedience when there are still many unanswered questions that reaps the greatest rewards. 

The purpose of this post is to share a lesson that took me years to learn. The trials and triumphs I have encountered since coming to that fork in the road have taught me so much. I have been pushed, pulled, stretched, tried, and challenged more than ever before, but I have never been so rewarded. I had an overwhelming feeling of peace and gratitude come over me this past week as I realized how glad I am to be where I’m at. It’s a million little things that have added up along the way that have made it all make sense. I had doubts in the beginning because I was comparing present situations. In the limited short-term perspective we have in this life, both opportunities seemed to suit me just fine. In that moment, one could not have been any better than another. That’s why it was so hard for me to understand how the Lord came up with such a clear and firm answer. To me, it wasn’t so obvious. To the 18 and 19 year old Witney, it would make no difference. But to the Witney down the road, it would. The Lord does not compare in the moment, he compares with an eternal perspective. He sees and knows things about the future that we would never have the possibility of knowing. The Lord’s choice didn’t make complete sense to me then, but standing where I am now and looking back, I know why He wanted me here. It all makes perfect sense. As always, my hindsight is 20/20.

Sometimes the reasons are not revealed to us until long after the prompting. But in reality, the only reason we need in that moment is that it is the Lord’s will. Even if all we know about the Lord is that he wants to see us happy, what better reason to jump at the sound of His voice. He has an eternal perspective and a genuine desire for us to find happiness in life. There is no need for hesitation where His influence is concerned. As we follow His lead, the blessings will unfold and the pieces will begin to fall into place. The closure, reasons, and understanding you lacked in the beginning will begin to make themselves known in your daily life and happiness will speak for itself.  The further you venture from the fork you once faced, the clearer the big picture will become. You will come to understand why it was so imperative that you heed the promptings of a Lord who loves you so much. The need for whys will float away and you will be left with daily reminders that you did the right thing. Happiness is that reminder.

I am SO happy and I know there is no place more right for me than where I am right now. 

I am thankful for the man, my Savior, who brought me here.

All I Know I Learned From My Mother: Mother's Day 2012

May 10, 2012

Mom,

The only thing you need more than sleep and meat on your bones –neither of which I can give to you—is as much love, admiration, respect, and confidence in yourself as I have in you. 

You are a woman of completeness. You have power, tenderness, drive, humor, strength, humility, spirit, resilience, and beauty. You are a work of art and it is an undeniable privilege to be your daughter; to grow with you and learn from you. 

If there is one thing I could give you for Mother’s Day, it would be the opportunity to see yourself through my eyes. 

You are one of the hardest workers I have ever met. You have made incredible sacrifices and persevered under every circumstance to provide for our family.  Not only did your work ethic and determination enable our family to assume a comfortable lifestyle, they also made it possible for you to climb ladders and make a name for yourself. You are a woman of prestige, independence, and intelligence. Although the monetary benefits I reaped from your paychecks (dance lessons, vacations, and new clothes) were wonderful, it was never your paycheck that made me proud. Instead, it was the drive and steadfastness you displayed in your career. Your example taught me that women are just as capable and deserving as men. You taught me to work hard, set goals, and fight for what I want. You always push me to do well in school and to continue my education. You encourage me to do what I love and not to be afraid of testing my limits. I am brave and determined because you are my mother.

You put everybody else first 100% of the time. You always put someone else’s agenda, happiness, success, and problems above your own. Occasionally, your own name doesn’t even round out the top ten list of people you’re worried about. You’re too concerned about everyone else’s wellbeing to even notice when yours is slipping. You are the purest example of a selfless, good-hearted, Christian.  I truly believe that it is actions like that that echo Christianity more loudly than even memorized scripture stories and record-setting church attendance. You are far more than words… Your beliefs radiate through your actions. I have gained so much from your selfless example. My whirlwind childhood didn’t have regular family prayers or scripture study, but I can honestly say that I have come to understand so much about the gospel solely from your example of humility and service. I know God because you are my mother.

You never rest and your hobbies are endless. Maybe it’s something that comes with age and motherhood, but I fear I will never be the triple threat that you are. Your Sunday dinners are always deliciously executed. You’re a cleaning-machine with a house whose surfaces I would actually dare lick. You read one book after another and your way with words is incredible. You mow the lawn, weed the garden, and go to extremes to ensure our grass is greener than any of the neighbors. You are admired as much by our dogs as you are by your children. You can walk for miles (500, I’d bet!) and you’ve become quite the flexible “yogie.” Nobody holds a candle to your quick wit, sarcasm, sense of humor, and comebacks. You’re a fun, patient, loving grandmother with grandkids who adore you. You’re a wife and a mother. You’re a friend, a sister, and a daughter. You have so many facets and so much to offer. It is amazing –and exhausting—to watch you juggle all your talents, roles, hobbies, and chores. I have unrealistic expectations for my own abilities as a wife and mother because you are my mother. 

You love me wholly and completely. Part of the job description of being a mother is to love your child, but only the mediocre stop there. You have taken love, belonging, support, and friendship to the next level. Throughout my young life, no matter how far I strayed –literally or figuratively—I’ve never stepped so far as to no longer be worthy of your love. I’m starting to realize that there isn’t such a place. No matter where I go or what I’m doing, I know I’m loved unconditionally by a mother who is proud of me, supporting me, who would do anything to see me happy, and is cheering me along every step of the way. I am sure of myself and know my self-worth because you are my mother.

You are my best friend. I have never known a friend to be so constant, reliable, and empathetic. You listen to each of my fears and hesitations and take them upon yourself. You see my shortcomings and love me regardless. You feel my sadness, frustration, guilt, anger, and confusion with just as much wrath and fury as I do. Your advice is always heartfelt and inspired. You have an uncanny ability to say exactly what I need to hear… And in those times you’re at a loss for words, just the warmth and reassurance of your strong, soft arms around me is enough to settle my nerves.  Never have I had a friend who knows me so well and cares about me so much. I am truly blessed to have you for a mother... Not only to rely on when things get tough, but to enjoy the ride with. What good is a best friend if you can’t have fun with her!? You are a good time! Nobody holds a candle to your sense of humor and I love that I have a mother that I can laugh with. You brighten up any room and I enjoy basking in your company. No matter how simple or uneventful the day might be, I am thrilled just by the thought of spending it with you. You are wonderful company and a wonderful friend. I know the priceless simple pleasure of having good friends because you are my mother.

You are beautiful. I have spent my entire life looking at you in awe and admiring your beauty. I still remember being five years old and looking so closely at your face with one pudgy, dirty little hand on each of your cheeks as you held me in your arms. I was convinced, then, that my mother was the most beautiful woman in the world. I still stand by that claim. You are a woman of unparalleled beauty. Both inside and out. There’s no greater compliment I could receive than “You look just like your mother!” I am honored to be your daughter and to have been thrown into a pool of such good genes. You have a strong body that you have taken insanely good care of. Your hair, skin, eyes, smile, hands, and yes, even your wrinkles, and the stories and memories they all hold, make you a timeless and beautiful woman. Your outer-beauty has only gotten better with age and your inner-beauty radiates from within. I am delighted to stand in your shadow and can only hope to someday compare to the beauty you emanate. Despite my intense fear of getting old, I have something to look forward to because you are my mother.

You are resilient. You have been dealt your fair share of hard hands in life and I gawk at your grace and poise as you play them. No matter what is thrown at you, you stand strong. There have been very few times I’ve seen you knocked down and, even then, I would have missed it had I blinked. You have never been one to stay down for very long. You always get right back up –whether it’s to roll with the punches or fight back, you do it all with dignity and style from your feet. Your resilience comes from a surplus of qualities that you possess: strength, forgiveness, and determination, to name a few. I am always impressed by your ability to keep moving regardless of the turmoil life has shackled at your feet. You move forward for yourself and you move forward for the many people relying on you. You are a beacon of hope and an example to those of us who aren’t near as strong. I admire your ability to forgive, to save face, to bounce back, to laugh it off, to stand up for yourself, to move on, to set your foot down, to not flinch, and to be true to yourself. You know who you are and you know what you want out of life. You forgive those that need forgiving, love those who are there for you, and say “to hell with you” to the doubters, ridiculers, and nonbelievers. You may live a simple life with little significance to the rest of the world, but your resilience has moved mountains in mine. I look up to you with an overflow of respect and amazement. I know the woman who I someday hope to become because you are my mother.

Mom, I hope you know how loved you are. Not only by me, but by all of your friends, family, and everyone who has been lucky enough to have had you touch their lives. You are truly a blessing in my life and in the lives of many others. You have spent the last 21 years loving me, supporting me, building me up, and being my example. If I am of any worth at all, it is because of you. I am forever in your debt. It is so important to me that you understand your own worth the way that you have convinced me of mine. You are the most deserving woman in the world. Happiness is all around you and begging to be consumed. Most importantly, there are a million and one brilliant things going on inside you that are worth being happy about. You are powerful, tender, smart, driven, funny, strong, talented, humble, spirited, resilient, selfless, and beautiful. No matter what the outside elements may be –how hard the storms are raging and how hopeless things might seem—I hope you can muster peace, confidence, and happiness from within with the obvious knowledge of how great, deserving, and loved you are. It is imperative that you understand how highly regarded you are. So many people love you and admire you. I hope, for one second, that you may be able to step back from your role of taking care of everybody else to acknowledge your own accomplishments and to find pride in the indestructible woman that you are. If only you saw yourself through my eyes, you would understand what all the fuss is about! You are an incredible mother, wife, sister, daughter, grandmother, and friend. You are an incredible person!

I love you, Mom!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Miss you lots and lots.

XOXO,

Wit

Brother and Sister Loftin

We've been the phantom new couple in our new ward in Oregon for the last 6 months. We moved in and met a few people at church our first week in town and, after that, only made it church on rare occasions during the next few months due to traveling to Gage's football games on weekends or Gage's football meetings on Sundays. Fellow ward-members had heard about us or maybe even seen glimpses of us, a lucky few were able to catch us and welcome us to the area. But after playing hide-and-seek for 6 months, we were called to the pulpit to formally introduce ourselves.



Here is a copy of my talk...
And yes, I write it out word for word, otherwise I'll freeze and talk about The Bachelor and hair products.
Gage, on the other hand, is Mr. Missionary and just wrote out bullet points and let it flow with the spirit... so I won't include his list of 10 incomplete sentences. Although I will inform you that his talk was very, VERY good! He had the congregation laughing and his wife drooling. He's so dreamy when he's Peter Priesthood.

February 26th, 2012

Gage and I are from two small towns in Utah County. We met and started dating in the summer of 2010 and got married about 7 months ago in July, 2011.

I agreed to meet Gage only to get my best friend off my back. She had been harassing me for close to a YEAR about going out with him. According to her, we were perfect for each other and I would absolutely love him. Me, well, I am a stubborn planner and rarely open up to ideas that aren’t in my plans. Gage was not a part of my plans, so you can imagine how fed up I had to be with my friend’s nagging to finally meet this guy.

To my surprise, the second I met him I was smitten. Slowly but surely, I made room for him in my plans. Obviously, my friend knew what she was talking about because we were soon inseparable and got married in the Salt Lake Temple a year later. And I am pleased to say my only regret in marrying Gage is all the “I told you so’s” I have had to endure from her.

Gage signed to play football at Portland State right around the time we got engaged, so we moved up here within weeks after getting married. Our first 4 months here were all football. Between games on the weekends and practice every day of the week, we weren’t able to get too involved in the ward. Luckily, we made it to the off-season and were quickly cornered about speaking in church.

We have been called to speak on what it means to “live in the world and not of the world.”

As the Savior endured his final days on this earth, He summoned the blessings of the Father upon his apostles. He sensed his time was near and knew he would soon be leaving them. In John chapter 17, He prayed:

“And now, I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou hast given me, that they may be one, as we are. I have given them they word; and the world hath hated them because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from evil.”

Just as the Savior prayed that his apostles would not be taken out of the world, but kept from its evil, members of the Church everywhere are praying that by the power of the priesthood and the Holy Ghost they may be strengthened to withstand the world’s negative influence.

The concern is not where we live, but how we live.

For me, this phrase has come to mean embracing what makes me, as a Latter-Day-Saint, different from everyone else and using those differences to stand as an example to others.

President Harold B. Lee said, “You cannot lift another soul until you are standing on higher ground than he is.” This does not mean to put yourself in a position only to be boastful or look down on others but, rather, to allow yourself the opportunity to reach out and help those in need. You cannot teach someone a better way of living, if you are not first living better yourself.

President Spencer W. Kimball said, “…Excellence and quality are a reflection of how we feel about ourselves and about life and about God.” With that statement in mind, members need to be in the world as to contribute in a positive way, all while separating themselves from the wicked, and even the mediocre, so as not to succumb to the sins of the world.

As Latter Day Saints, we have the privilege of being set apart from the rest of the world. Because our beliefs, behaviors, standards, and traits are so different from many other people, we usually end up drawing some attention to ourselves. As we as stand out and put ourselves under the curious, watchful eye of the rest of the world, we are in the prime position to stand as examples and lift other souls to the higher ground that is found in the world, but not of it.

There are many things that make us a peculiar group of people. For example, the word of wisdom, modesty, the sacrament, temple work, temple marriages, and the Book of Mormon, but the one I want to specifically talk about today is optimism through trials.

Optimism does not accompany every single one of us through every single circumstance. We all have times when frustration, discouragement, and negativity overcome our thoughts and guide our outlook. Despite these negative slips, however, most of us are capable of optimism and rise above the ways of the world by seeking out the good in others, recognizing opportunities in struggles, and maintaining an eternal perspective.

I’m a little biased towards President Gordon B. Hinkley, since he was the prophet who raised me, so bear with me as I quote him countless times.

In 1974, he told the members of the church, “I am asking that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life we “accentuate the positive.” I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good. …That each of us turn from the negativism that so permeates our society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom we associate, that we speak of one another’s virtues more than we speak of one another’s faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears.”

As Latter Day Saints, we have so many reasons and means of optimism.

-We have a relationship with a Father in Heaven who loves us.

-We know our brother who gave his life for us and allowed us to repent of our sins.

-We have the records of our ancestors showing us how hard they worked and how far we, as a church, have come.

-We know we are on this earth for a temporary time to be tested and realize our potential. Through this, we know that this difficult mortal life is not permanent and we can understand the bigger picture of what really matters.

-We acknowledge a life after this, in which we return to live with our Heavenly Father and spend eternity with our families.

These basic elements of our church provide countless opportunities to see the world in a positive light and not lose hope when times are trying. These beliefs and their resulting optimism set us apart from others and allow us to be examples to them and bring them closer to the Lord.

My own personal trials come in the form of change. I am terribly afraid of it. I hate the heavy, empty feeling of unfamiliarity that knocks me off my feet every time something changes. I feel a frantic, painful panic that clenches my stomach as I look down a bunch of unexpected, unknown, open-ended forks in the road. I struggle when I don’t know what to expect, when I don’t have a routine, and when I have to adjust to something completely different. I am very high-strung and set in my ways, to say the least.

For this reason, moving to Oregon was one of the most challenging events of my life. We moved here as soon as we got home from our honeymoon, so it was a rapid adjustment from being a daughter living at home to being a wife living 800 miles away from family, friends or even a familiar face. Gage was in the heat of fall camp, which meant that for the entire month of August, he left at 7 in the morning and returned home at 10 o’clock that night. I didn’t have a job or any idea how I would continue my schooling. I had nothing to do all day but spend my time feeling bad for myself. Despite all of our best efforts to make it a comfortable transition, I really struggled to make this place a home.

As I sat in our apartment surrounded by the only belongings we brought with us, clothes and an air mattress, I sulked in my sour attitude. I was so overwhelmed and discouraged. Optimism was nowhere to be found. I let myself be consumed by the world and Satan’s heavy, disheartening outlook.

President Hinckley once said, “You can’t, you don’t, build out of pessimism or cynicism. You look with optimism, work with faith, and things happen.”

Well, I was ready for something to happen.

Just as I was planning my pity party, I began scouring LDS.org for anything that would ease the pain of change and reignite my flame of optimism. I read through a few talks until I was knocked over by a quote from C. S. Lewis that put everything into perspective and completely empowered me. Just as President Hinckley suggested, faith began to exceed my fears.

When writing of God’s expectations for His children, C. S. Lewis indicated there is often pain in change. He wrote: “Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of—throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.”

For the first time in weeks, the silence surrounding me was radiating with warmth. I felt hope and encouragement.

How beautiful and reassuring to hear of the beautiful palace that is planned for us, if we can only endure the banging and building it takes to get there. So often, we are stuck in our ways, content with where we are at, and settle into mediocrity. If we would just remain optimistic and look for the opportunities hidden in our trials, we would see first-hand how God is molding and lifting us to reach our potential. With optimism and faith, we will get through our trials, and we will be better people because of the experiences and lessons learned.

This reminder of optimism helped me to drown out my pessimism and see the hidden blessing in our new adventure in Oregon. It hasn’t been easy and there are days I would give anything to be home with our families, but in large-part, my outlook has changed for the better and there has been a noticeable difference in our time here. Everything fell into place and we couldn’t be more blessed than we are right now. I can’t possibly deny the Lord’s hand in my life after this “trial” in Oregon has only begun to leave me with a new tower and courtyard. Gage is nearing the end of his degree and I found an online bachelor’s program from Utah State University that offered my entire degree over the internet. We have made wonderful friends, incredible memories, and had meaningful missionary moments. We have grown closer and stronger as a couple than we ever could have had we not left our comfort zone. We’ve grown a greater appreciation for the family, friends, and comforts of home that we took for granted. If I had only had the optimism and patience in the beginning, I would have realized what the Lord was doing as he was “knocking about my house in a way that hurt abominably.”

Not only does optimism set us apart and allow us to be examples to others, it also enables us to rise above the fog of the world and see the divine worth and eternal plan our Father in Heaven has for us. During our time on this earth, optimism can be our escape. With all we know and have been given, we have no reason to be pessimistic for long. We are far too blessed and far too faithful to overlook the eternal, hopeful scheme of things. With optimism, we can dwell in the world, but rise above it.

In summary, the Lord gave Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery marvelous counsel about how to live in a way that will keep anyone from being robbed of optimism, confidence, and hope. It is found in Doctrine & Convenants chapter 6, verses 33 through 34:

“Fear not to do good… For whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good, ye shall also reap good for your reward. Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.”

In closing, I would like to share my testimony that as long as we build upon the rock of our Redeemer and keep his commandments, we will stand strong against trials and stand tall among the people and things of the world. I have learned the power of optimism first hand and am so grateful for the wonderful examples of optimism and resilience that I have in my own life. Through these things, we can be a positive contributor to the world while not falling victim to its negative and unrighteous storms…

HONEY, fly me to the MOON.