this little piggy.

For obvious –muscly, scruffy, Irish, Gerard Butler—reasons, P.S. I Love You is my all-time­ favorite movie.

Coming from me, that means a lot! I am the world’s worst decision maker which leaves me completely handicapped at picking favorites. Ask me my favorite food, favorite color, favorite song, favorite season, favorite anything and I’ll spend the next hour tossing and turning. I realize they’re not life-changing decisions, but “favorite” is a hefty word. I have a small, suppressed fear of commitment and a large, public fear of making wrong decisions… Picking favorites encompasses them both. This is why I hope you take me seriously when I tell you that P.S. I LOVE YOU IS MY ALL TIME FAVORITE MOVIE! I mean business. I’m decided and committed. This is probably the only thing in my life I’ll ever feel so sure about.

Gerard aside, (thank goodness he dies in the first 10 minutes of the movie or I never would’ve gotten anything out of it but googly eyes and some heavy drooling) this movie really moved me. There hasn’t been a time I’ve watched it that I haven’t cried. And by cried I mean fully-engaged, caught-in-the-moment, alligator tears streaming down my face. There’s a 30-minute danger zone after the movie is over that I’m still sobbing. Slightly embarrassing. No matter how many times I see it, the movie hits hard every time.

In Blockbuster, you’d find it in the Romantic Comedy section; but for me, it’s a thriller. It makes me stare my biggest fears right in the face. I think that’s one of the reasons why I like it so much… I can feel exhilarated, accomplished and brave while vicariously facing my fears through someone else.

I am absolutely terrified of change and saying goodbye.

I hate the heavy, empty feeling of unfamiliarity that knocks me off my feet every time something changes or someone leaves. I hate the deep, dark, sadness that sets in the moment I realize things are going to be different. I hate the frantic, painful panic that clenches my stomach as I look down a bunch of unexpected, unknown, open-ended forks in the road.

I want the best of everything and everyone. I want to keep everyone I’ve ever loved or cared for close to me always. When I say best friends, I mean friends forever. I want every good memory, circumstance, opportunity, and relationship to continue to grow with and accompany me. Change will always be hard for me... Not necessarily for fear of writing a new chapter, but for sadness upon ending an old one. It’s not that I don’t enjoy my present situation; it’s just that I miss all the things I loved about previous situations, too. I want to have my cake and eat it too, I guess. Anything from growing apart from old friends to growing out of old clothes… Moving on is hard for me.

The purpose of this post is to share one of my favorite quotes from P.S. I Love You. It’s something that really hit close to home for me and has been a little blanket of bravery when the winds of change have my knees chattering.

–Mind you, I even cried just reading lines from the movie. HAHA!

A new man comes into Holly’s life after her husband dies. Regardless of how much she likes him, she can’t bring herself to let go of what is already gone enough to enjoy what is beginning to make its way into her life.

William kisses Holly and Holly pulls away, saying…

Holly: “No, it’s not gonna work. I feel like I’m trying on a new pair of shoes I really wanna buy, but they just don’t fit.”

William: “Alright then… How about going barefoot for a while?”

All these years, they’ve been telling us what to do if the shoe FITS. Best case scenario, YOU WEAR IT.

But, what do you do when the shoe doesn’t fit? What do you do when life doesn’t go according to plan? Plans change. Life is versatile and there are no guarantees. There are going to be shoes we grow out of, shoes we endure blisters to wear, and shoes that would look SO good on our feet but don’t come in our size.

It’s in these times that we find our strength and our identity.

It’s in these times that we go barefoot.

To me, barefoot means taking risks. It’s having fears; it’s having doubts; it’s living in spite of those things that scare you to death. It’s taking chances; and giving second chances. Going barefoot means standing on your own, living life for yourself, and being your own best friend. It’s about forgiving yourself, respecting yourself, and loving yourself. It means letting go and moving on. It’s knowing you’ve got a good thing before it’s gone, but saying goodbye anyway. Going barefoot means accepting the things you cannot change. It means accepting that things are different and taking the opportunity to find something better to take its place. Going barefoot means trusting yourself and following your heart. It’s letting go of your insecurities and embracing what makes you different. It’s taking a break and figuring out what means the most to you. It’s prioritizing. It’s being all by yourself. It's finding peace and strength in loneliness. Going barefoot is the strength to walk down a path you didn’t consider before; a path you didn’t see with your shoes on. It’s accepting apologies and letting go of grudges. It’s standing up for yourself and the things you believe in. Going barefoot means throwing out the rules and doing it your way. It means saying "no thank you" to the shoes that other people pick out for you that just aren't you. It's forgetting about what people are going to say. Going barefoot means laughing at yourself. It means being open and honest; with others, but mostly with yourself. It's having faith that things will work out. It’s being optimistic. Going barefoot is being open to His will. It’s letting the Lord into your life. It’s letting your hair down and going with the flow. It’s making your own decisions and learning from your mistakes. Going barefoot means having an open-mind. It’s getting back up every time you fall. It’s having the courage to let go… And then, having the courage to admit you’re okay. It means finding happiness solely from being YOU. Going barefoot means believing in love and friendship and all the things that have seemed to let you down in the past. It’s falling madly in love again. It’s making new friends. It’s changing your plans and sometimes not having a plan at all.

Toss out the shoes that don’t fit anymore, let your feet recover from the shoes you’ve been miserably squeezing into, and stop sitting around waiting for the “perfect” shoe.

Be yourself.

Be free.

Embrace your individuality.

Flourish in your circumstances.

Be real.

Feel something.

Feel everything.

Whether it’s smooth, cool blades of grass between your toes or sharp rocks jabbing at your soles, let reality hit you hard. Let life in. Find delight in the good times and find sorrow in the hard times. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity of experiencing reality; messy, delightful, tragic, complicated, awful, beautiful REALITY.

Put yourself first.

Open your heart and your mind to change.

Be brave.

Be bold.

Be barefoot.

This is my promise to myself to take my shoes off for a little while. I’m at a point in my life where everything is changing and nothing is how I thought it would be. In most cases, it’s actually much better. Nothing seems to have gone according to plan… And now that I’ve caught my breath, I’m realizing that that’s okay. I have a lot of big decisions coming up in life. Everyone says junior high is your awkward stage, but I feel much more awkward in this stage of life than I ever did with braces and baby fat. I’m stuck between everything I used to be and everything I’m becoming. I’m stuck between being daddy’s little girl and hubby’s wife. I’m stuck between being an elementary student and an elementary teacher. I’m stuck between being glued-at-the-hip to my friends and squeezing in lunch whenever we can. I’m stuck between being a daughter and being a mom. Britney Spears said it best: “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman.” I’m in an awkward place in life. My roles are transitioning and I’m getting lost in the shuffle. I’d trade it all for braces and baby fat in a heartbeat!

This is my time to go barefoot. I need to slow down, leave my shoes and the world behind, and take a long walk all by myself to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. I need to feel every joy and every pain with my very own feet. I need to have my own thoughts in my head. I need to open my heart and my mind to all of the possibilities in this life and find out what means the most to me.

My shoes are off, my toes are free…

I’m going barefoot for a while.

If you think it stinks, tough luck! :)